We taxied by and there in the back row of the GA ramp spied one of the spiffy new CRJ 700s. We speculated that it was a factory demonstrator on a sales call and sure enough this was the appearance. The lumbering 767 preceeding us probably oblivious, failed to notice the economic significance. The marketplace will rule. The camel’s nose is under the tent.

The screeners decided to look in my bag this time. The x-ray operator didn’t like that I stuffed my running shoes with my battery alarm and old spice roll-on stick. ‘Hey! I pack for 4 days’ with my leather carry on, including last nights pasta w/sauce mustgo – a ham n’ cheese sandwich – 2 bottles of aquafinna and an autoweek mag. Efficient space (including inside the Gel GT 2020s gets used) ‘Have a chair’, the bag checker was not impressed with my admission deciding to have me peel my other shoes as well. No sense feeling violated. Submit, co-operate, graduate. These TSA guys won’t tell you what or how to pack. They are like post office workers and say nothing that could be construed as opinion, politics, or religion. Ever tried to have a conversation with your mailman? But I got the hint anyway. Thanks for the tip.

Another ARMED INDIVIDUAL on our flight. John Kikbooty, U.S. Marshals Service, invites himself to the cockpit during passenger boarding to introduce himself. While I’m comforted to know that we have protection aboard, I wonder if they realize that they give away their identidy to anyone and everyone with all this flashing of badges and steping out of line. I say forgo the pomp and stay incognito. His yellow NTAIAPE form tells me all. He’s in 4B and he’s identified himself to the FA. Wouldn’t he be better off in the last row? That way he could see what the citizens are up to. Further more, there’d be no risk of stealth from behind. The objective is to not let the *perp* get control of your weapon. I see from the form that he’s not only riding our Florida flight to Chicago but connecting to LAX and and from there to Honolulu! Whew! How’s that for a days work. How in blazes will he stay alert and awake on such a journey. I’m sure that it’s in his manual somewhere: ‘Agents must not sleep on duty in public with a big pistol just inside your jacket.’

The latest UAL CEO (after a 6 mo tenure) is going to ‘exit stage right’ because: A) thought it was supposed to be a fun job B) went wild with his expense account C) got talked into it D) didn’t know what he was in for. The answer is E) none of the above. His predecessor walked the plank, as you recall, because he issued the ‘or we will perish’ statement. This may have been a truthful statement but the error was in its bluntness. In steps interim replacement who necessarily calms by saying that ‘he has no intention of presiding over a UAL bankruptcy’. Well, now that he’s out that’s a very good option and a big stick to use to extract worker contract concessions. I guess that he didn’t want to be remembered as George ‘read my lips – no new taxes’ Bush as going against his word. Now US AIRways is talking the ‘B’ word but first they want the government loan money. Odd that a lender would consider an applicant making such hints.

The passenger was handcuffed. Led by two armed escorts from the Fairfax County PD, I asked what he’d done. ‘Parole violation and he fled Virginia and we caught him in South Carolina… He’s non-violent added the officer.’ Uh huh. Isn’t this the line that the father of the Nebraska mailbox pipe bomber fed the media, today? ‘He’s not dangerous?’ The prisoner walked down the airstairs and glanced at me grinning. Still bound at the wrists he flashed a thumbs up. Looked harmless. Take him away!

cockpit protection… The last line of defense is an F16 fighter interceptor that will shoot you down. In light of this unpleasent concept, the pilots’ grassroots effort to arm the crew has gained momentum as of late. A year ago their leader said that ‘pilots can’t be both SKY KING and WYATT EARP all at the same time’, but now he is under pressure to change his mind.

No-way. I can’t think of a single scenario which will allow this to ever happen. There are two methods of implementation, neither of which are any good. The pilot could carry, but this makes him a target. If the bad guy knows he’s packing; they just lay for him in an empty restroom and get his weapon (and uniform and ID while they’re at it) Now you have a gun in the wrong hands INSIDE the supposedly secure terminal area. If a pilot is standing in line at the terminal Starbucks, he can’t / won’t be consistently checking his 6 o’clock for someone trying to jump him. The other option is to mount the pistol(s) on the flight bulkhead – ‘in case of trouble – break glass’ style. The problem with it is that it would be difficult to maintain a chain of custody. An aircraft parked RON is unattended. A gun will eventually go missing. When reported the outcome will mean that the terminal(s) will be evacuated and other aircraft departing or departed recalled or diverted.

There are too many unsolveable loose end concerns. The vision of a pilot settled in during enroute flight and whipping out a six shooter for show n’ tell with the pilot beside him conjures ‘wild wild west’ up front. The customers will NOT want to ride.

Mainline maintenance tows the plane to the hangar and in the process manages to ‘snag’ the wing in the hangar door. Well, since most of the mechanics haven’t towed anything this light before, they don’t even notice anything unusual until the nose gear is ripped from the fuselage and everything comes crashing down.

The flight is only 40 minutes enroute time and the lazy-butt flight attendant isn’t budging from her jumpseat citing the short duration. Unfortunately, my hydration is riding with me in the cargohold. I can’t turn her in. She’d know. I’d be black balled.

They usually get air-sick in the air. We hadn’t even closed the cabin door yet! Kid’s Mom and Dad were arming themselves with sicksacks and the flight attendant reported that the poor guy was dry heaving (as he’d been sick since yesterday and that this was somehow okay he must be getting better). I re-called the gate agent to the cockpit for consultation and with a glance back to the main cabin I could see the Father in 1st row, half submerged in the inflight mag pretending to read. Like he didn’t know what the bru haw haw and commotion was about. tisk,tisk,tisk.

Customer service queried for action advice: Do we boot this family off or trust the judgment of the parents. Not that I trusted the parents. I mean what Mom and Dad would send their child on a journey if he wasn’t well? No regard for passengers and contagions or worry for our squeamish FA, who said that she could handle blood or guts no prob, but PLEASE not okay with vomit. The consensus was: The parents ‘know what’s best’ and have rights as guardians. They ride. Once safely enroute, I learned from the FA that they were connection bound for Orlando, FL — ‘Tell me that they ARE taking him home to his bed— and NOT to Disney World ?!’, I pleaded. Oh-my-gawd! They wouldn’t… You don’t think they… Surely not!

All airlines get nicknames. Southwest Airlines, exemplary business/role model is not exempt. Southwest now has two notorious paint schemes. Both of them, uh well, different from the conservative.

CORNDOG ‘n BARNEY