I haven’t figured her game yet but the FA is a nightingale and, feeling sorry for some of the other FAs trying to eek out a substandard living, she has been leaving them lunchmoney in their mailboxes. She’s confessed that she hasn’t cashed any of her paychecks (pocket change?) yet. Her husband owns a very large business. She picked up the job out of curiosity (whim?). I wonder if she’s gathering material for a story that she will author or could it be that she is exploring a fantasy. Funny how some people spill so much info within the first 20 minutes of acquaintance. I ask,”Have you ever adopted a pilot?” She invites us out on the town for Lobster dinners tonight and it might have been interesting conversation but I don’t want to know too much. I better not.

All cleared the security line, except for the FA, who’s getting a mindful look over including the inspection of his overnight bag. The gloved TSA is peering inside piece by piece. Our FA wears a suitably disgusted look on his face and at the end of the ordeal is muttering to us incredulously about ‘why do they always want to look in my bag — every time‘. He can’t understand it, and explains that he has tried re-arranging his stuff, leaving things behind, and so on. We nod and grunt listening sympathetically. Later on we arrive at our destination hub and enjoy a productivity break where we have the opportunity to snack or read a paper. I perk up to the sound of a juice blender (not something furnished in our minimalist facility). It’s our FA and evidently he’s been hauling this device contraption around in his bag! Feeling somewhat deceived (betrayed) I had to ask sarcastically ‘you wondered what it was that set off the security alarm?’ Duuuh! He offered me a conciliatory sample taste of his ( 40-30-30 Faust diet ) — pureed peaches, fructose substitute, power-bar powder, almond slivers and ice. No thankyou. Pass…

The Jumers aka Peoria Castle Lodge is a mighty unusual place… It is dark and haunting replete with flickering gas lamps and early Californian Spanish dark wood furnishings. The architecture theme is 1960’s medieval Bavarian. The carpets and wall coverings are deep reds and browns the windows have stained glass panes. The strangest feature, however, is an oil painting portrait of someone real or factious in every room. The eyes of the likeness gaze out into the room in a fixating stare. The guest must occasionally check to be sure that these eyes are not following you about the place. Creepy.

Little passenger surveys cockpit with Mother sweetly prompting her to say ‘have a nice trip’. She was charming and was able to parrot Mom word for word. It was a change from the usual ‘say hi to the pilots’ which modesty or embarrassment makes awkward for a child (or an adult for that matter!). The youngster, around knee high, keeps saying ‘where are we going?’ and everyone falls over themselves trying to answer the void: ‘We are going up into the wildblue yonder — or to grandmothers house — or back home’ and I finally figured it out, she kept repeating the question. The adults were communicating on the wrong plain. She was not asking in a worldly sense but thinking in terms of row and seat number. e.g. what is our destination inside the aircraft; from where will we be enjoying this trip?. An obvious concern. Her Mother had ushered her into our confined space and she wasn’t seeing any empty chairs!

My first thought on day-one was that I’d never be able to survive 4 days of this. The FA was already wearing on my nerves. Melvin is a performer. When you first meet him he’s the type you’d turn to your buddy and mutter whoa, we got a live one here. He’s so wired that he chatters non-stop and his passenger briefings would put any comic that you’ve heard from an Southwest ‘A’ type to shame. He strives to entertain. The best reference that I can give is that he is a sound-alike clone for Richard Simmons. After one of his long winded routines the captive audience in the back might erupt into a cheer and applause. He feeds on this and his carnival like showmanship zooms up another notch. Some of them must be annoyed thinking that he’s got to be on something. Forget trying to study the in-flight magazine, it is an act that his impossible to tune out. We touch down in Cedar Rapids (the city of 4 smells — which one depends on the wind direction) and Melvin is greeted with the one from North. Euuuuu! What’s that smelllll?! The cabin door opens and he realizes the full effect. “Euuuuu. It’s coming from OUTsiiiide. I thought somebody on the plane had pharted!” (I kid you not. That was a direct quote delivered for all to hear. Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t have been more loud and obnoxious. Remind me to speak to him about that…) I wasn’t offended (by the smell, that is). It was from a Tallow Works or an animal rendering plant. I think the paper mills of Georgia are far worse. Nevertheless, as the people disembark they get the farewell good byes shtick along with his opinion of the putrification and the advice that “if you’re not from here — look out!” I must play the straight man to all of this lest they think that the pilots are rocked out too. Two more days to go. I think I’ll enjoy the show!

A pax thrust his upper torso through our office door to inquire “about the wx”. But what he was really here for was re-assurance and make sure that we weren’t some hiring quota or green behind the ears. He had white knuckles.

The guns for pilots movement would appear to be assured. The Senate last week came on board with a decided vote in favor of… and even the executive branch has relented and will go along. The holdouts are the airline industry chiefs. They have legitimate questions about implementation and I understand that they have concerns over public (customer) perceptions. Visions of ‘wild wild west in the sky’ will discourage some. So, it’s perplexing when these managers all jointly sign a protest at the 11th hour. Did the momentum overtake? Was the senate vote just a wakeup call? It seems that it is bit late for them to be jumping into the debate. I would imagine that the noise they make now is primarily to get recognition. After all, somebody is going to have to pay for this new level of security and in their view it might as well be the government. Special interest groups make this maneuver by throwing a wrench into the deal, e.g. The freeway by-pass can’t be approved because the snail darter critter will be impacted. A sum of cash will go to an environmentalist group and all will be suddenly okay. It does seem counter productive, almost scorched earth, to hear these folks bring up (yet again) sensational imaginative topics like: -what about accidental discharge- and -what if a bullet goes into the instrument panel-. The answer is this: If the bad guys have proven ineffectual, all of the other layers of ‘security’, a lethal weapon to defend the cockpit is the last line of defense and a very strong deterrent A stray slug is a manageable risk. As it stands now, the last line of defense is an F15 friendly fire shoot down. Definitely not good for business. Grant them their funds and proceed.

“…thought the marshal held his semiautomatic weapon on passengers for too long…” — this complaint from about 30 of the 183 onboard after the marshals detained a man who set off a disturbance. What! You thought they’d just tie up the guy and then go back to the inflight movie? Let me describe the scenario (which these two air marshals handled like pros). The bad guys work as a team. One of them plays the rabbit while the others lurk. When the here-to-for incognito marshals jump up to render aid they have effectively been flushed out and are now targetable. You can see why the rest of the seated passengers are suspect. The marshals, having been identified, are now at a disadvantage. In this case it took them some extra time to determine that there wasn’t a more involved plot afoot. Forget your complaints and threats of litigation. These guys have white hats.

The woman was a bundle of nerves, a basket case — she didn’t really want to be onboard and she said so to the flight attendant. Her companion wouldn’t let her change her mind and asked that we serve her O2 enroute.(she’s going to need that if she keeps re-breathing into that paper sack like that…) The scene started to play like a what/if training scenario, where psychotic leaves his controlling medication in his checked luggage and it’s wearing off. Luckily we were made aware prior to the point of no return and we called to have her interviewed. I worried that, if she’s agitated now, just wait until the gate agent/ramp sup descend upon her. That might really set her off. We gave her every opportunity but she didn’t bust. The FO inquired uneasily what row she was in — as if the further back (and away from us) the better 🙂 With everyone assured that she’d/we’d be okay we closed the main cabin door with a thunk. This is the part where they feel closed in and cooped up. If the panic attack is going to occur this is where it happens. The FA took a long hard look down the aisle for a last ditch assessment. No one bouncing off the walls and shrieking so… Here we go!

New Mission Applications: These aircraft will cause the most fundamental change to the US airline system since the first arrival of the jet airliner 40 years ago. The name is a misnomer: The 50-seat jet is no more a “regional” aircraft than a… ( read an analyst’s opinion )

The passengers were in a buoyant mood and prepared to celebrate something-or-other. 10 minutes prior to departure a champagne bottle went off and doused the flight attendant. The captain was not amused. With numerous flight crews caught lately in media cross hairs for intoxication, its a situation. Too have the FA reeking of alcohol, no matter how innocent the circumstances, would not do. I’m sure that there is a jumpy trigger happy security screener waiting for his moment of glory and hero status. One can’t leave such things to chance these days. Its guilty by association and guilty until proven innocent. Head for the laundry and a shower, the celebration will be delayed.